"Hello!" I called cheerfully to the man moving erratically in my direction.
"Muh shu u clenion u shih," the drunken guy mumbled as he came toward us (I was walking my two boarding dogs for their last potty break at 10:30P). I walk this same route multiple times a day, especially when I have visiting dogs at my house. It’s only a few blocks from my house and ½ block from a bar, although it’s rare that I encounter anyone walking down this road at night.
"Excuse me?" I asked.
"You heard me!"
Ah, great. Now he was angry and my boarding dogs are nervous around people, I would have to protect us all! For a moment I wished I was with one (or more) of my German Shepherds, but I was leashed to a skittish Kyi Apso and an ancient Australian terrier who can’t move very fast and occasionally stalls completely. Hmmm… what was it my dad and coach used to say? The best defense is a good offense, or was it the best offense is a good defense? Probably the latter, but at that moment I was hoping for the first one.
I enunciated in a politely sweet, yet don’t-screw-with-me voice, "I heard you. I didn’t understand you. What did you say? Do you need help, sir?"
He paused as he fumbled with his keys. I’d like to think he was trying to decide if he was capable of taking on a bitchy sober chick and her two dogs. "Make sure you clean up your sh*t, I said."
Apparently it hadn’t occurred to him that the two poop bags in my hand might just be filled with… well, POOP!
Now he really had me ticked off… I waved the bags at him, unfortunately he was about 15 feet away so couldn’t get them close enough to make sure he got a whiff. "It’s not my sh*t, it’s their sh*t, and I have two bags full right here, sir. I usually deposit it in the trash bin up on the corner, but here, you can take then and put them in your trash if you don’t think I’ll dispose of them properly." I started to take a step toward him.
He mumbled something like, "Jus’ take your shih" and hurried into his house. Poor dude. Thought he was tough from his courage obtained from a bottle, but he hadn’t planned on encountering a fearless crazy bitch with two dogs and a handful of bagged poop.
All those Tai Kwon Do belts and the only self-defense I needed was a bag of poop!